Horrible day...

I know i said i wouldn't post but i need to get this out!

I woke up this morning in a horrible mood. Usually on day 3 of AF i am sweet as pie WTF?? I watched tv for a bit then made my grocery shopping list and innocently checked the bump only to see a few BFP's....this made me so sad. I am happy for the bumpies but so very very sad for me and my dh. So I took a shower kissed Dh on the head and headed out to the christmas crowd. on the way there I just cried. Reason is i started to think about the embies that were transferred a 4ab & 2 4bb's. Very good embryo's and they DIDN'T WORK!!! I just cried more when i thought about the bfps i just read that morning. These women are getting their christmas wish and I didn't get mine. I know this all sounds so selfish but we had made so many plans on how to tell the family etc...it is just breaking my heart that those plans are no longer going to happen. Dh was super depressed yesterday and now i guess today was my day.

Shopping in walmart i see this white trashie looking pregnant girl and couldn't help myself. i got so angry. She was rubbing her belly and i wanted to punch her. How the fuck does this happen for these people but not for me???? At this point i am extremely bitter and I am ramming my cart into everything just to get away. I stop a few minutes later eyes filled with tears and start to look at slippers for dh. Then i heard her white trashy voice again...telling someone her belly itches and yeah she's so happy and it's a girl and it's her first blah blah blah...Now i wanted to wrestle her to the ground...what the hell is wrong with me? I have become this bitter, angry person all of a sudden. Yesterday I was fine with all this and was looking fwd to the holidays..today I hate the world. Pregnant after pregnant women all day long...newborns getting their picture taken at the make believe North Pole.

I texted dh and told him i can't stop crying today & that this whole IF thing sucks so bad. He texted me back always the optimistic one..it's not always going to hurt. This i know....i just wish it didn't make me hurt so much right now.

I got home only to find that i will be alone all night as dh has to work late now. i was looking fwd to spending time with him damn it. He hasn't been around at all because he's been working...

OH and to top it off i STILL don't have my beta. Yes i know it's negative AF is still here but today i've been having major cramps, back and hip pain and now i'm wondering if there might be a slim chance that one of them took and the bleeding is the other ones that didn't. STUPID i know but now i won't have closure until monday. This also has not made me in a very good mood. I will not POAS as i know i'll only see that one fecking line and that will put me in a worse mood.

I stopped taking the progesterone on thursday & beta was friday...good thing i'm not new to all of this crap and continued on with the progesterone. They were open today and i left a fecking message for someone to call me with the beta and not one of them called me. Starting to piss me off...gotta go now & be miserable. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.