Well it's official

BFN...beta showed up on CNY's portal today. Sucks....oh well..holiday mode now. At least i can drink which i intend on doing...lots of!!!

Horrible day...

I know i said i wouldn't post but i need to get this out!

I woke up this morning in a horrible mood. Usually on day 3 of AF i am sweet as pie WTF?? I watched tv for a bit then made my grocery shopping list and innocently checked the bump only to see a few BFP's....this made me so sad. I am happy for the bumpies but so very very sad for me and my dh. So I took a shower kissed Dh on the head and headed out to the christmas crowd. on the way there I just cried. Reason is i started to think about the embies that were transferred a 4ab & 2 4bb's. Very good embryo's and they DIDN'T WORK!!! I just cried more when i thought about the bfps i just read that morning. These women are getting their christmas wish and I didn't get mine. I know this all sounds so selfish but we had made so many plans on how to tell the family etc...it is just breaking my heart that those plans are no longer going to happen. Dh was super depressed yesterday and now i guess today was my day.

Shopping in walmart i see this white trashie looking pregnant girl and couldn't help myself. i got so angry. She was rubbing her belly and i wanted to punch her. How the fuck does this happen for these people but not for me???? At this point i am extremely bitter and I am ramming my cart into everything just to get away. I stop a few minutes later eyes filled with tears and start to look at slippers for dh. Then i heard her white trashy voice again...telling someone her belly itches and yeah she's so happy and it's a girl and it's her first blah blah blah...Now i wanted to wrestle her to the ground...what the hell is wrong with me? I have become this bitter, angry person all of a sudden. Yesterday I was fine with all this and was looking fwd to the holidays..today I hate the world. Pregnant after pregnant women all day long...newborns getting their picture taken at the make believe North Pole.

I texted dh and told him i can't stop crying today & that this whole IF thing sucks so bad. He texted me back always the optimistic one..it's not always going to hurt. This i know....i just wish it didn't make me hurt so much right now.

I got home only to find that i will be alone all night as dh has to work late now. i was looking fwd to spending time with him damn it. He hasn't been around at all because he's been working...

OH and to top it off i STILL don't have my beta. Yes i know it's negative AF is still here but today i've been having major cramps, back and hip pain and now i'm wondering if there might be a slim chance that one of them took and the bleeding is the other ones that didn't. STUPID i know but now i won't have closure until monday. This also has not made me in a very good mood. I will not POAS as i know i'll only see that one fecking line and that will put me in a worse mood.

I stopped taking the progesterone on thursday & beta was friday...good thing i'm not new to all of this crap and continued on with the progesterone. They were open today and i left a fecking message for someone to call me with the beta and not one of them called me. Starting to piss me off...gotta go now & be miserable. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas & Happy New Year

Yes, i cried half of my day away...but on the ride home it hit me. Things could be worse. A friend of mine that i work with went to the dr today to see if her cancer is back. Unfortunately she didn't find out again but they are going to have to do a bone biopsy to make sure. This is the kind of of test result i could be waiting for. Instead i'm waiting to see if i'm pregnant (well not really i know i'm not but you get the point) So i decided to suck it up and move on and enjoy my holiday with my dh & family. Christmas has always been a favorite time for us and i'm not going to let AF ruin it!!!!

I am luckier than some..i still have 3 snowbabies. We'll do that in January. I want to be able to drink during the holidays!! Partay!!!!

I'm taking a break from it all so wishing you all a very happy holiday and i'll talk to you in 2010!!! GL to anyone that is testing soon or going through a cycle. I hope you all get your bfps!!!

Morning of day 8

AF is here. I can't believe she came while taking prometrium 3x a damn day. No one else gets their period when they are taking that. Well some do but not alot. I am numb. I was so wishing that we would have some good news for christmas. This just sucks.

Today my pregnant co-workers brothers baby is being born via c-section and i'm sure i'm going to have to listen to that and it is going to just kill me. Plus looking at her isn't going to be easy and seeing the 2 huge bags of girls baby clothes that are sitting at her desk isn't going to help either. She's having a girl and so is her brothers girlfriend.

Praying i make it through the day...

day 7 and

It's over...went to the bathroom and there is bright red spotting now. My back stopped hurting as much today & i started getting my hope back. Coming home to this has been an absolute shock. I can't believe this might be AF and it's early. That or it's the progesterone irritating the cervix. Def not geting a bfp this month. I am so disappointed i don't know what to say....I can't even post what 7dp7dt is doing because it just doesn't feel right...it's all about the fetus developing. Ugh..i am going to go curl up and cry my eyes out now. I just don't understand why we have to go through this. It just doesn't make any sense.

Beta is Friday for those of you who have asked. I was going to try to keep it private so that i could tell dh and our families first but knowing this is coming to an end what's the difference now....

Day 6

6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood

Today alot of people get a BFP on their pee tests...me i am sitting here frozen in fear. I can't do it. Reasons are...1) My back pain was there all day today and has just let up a bit in the past hour 2) I am still spotting but it brown but to me too much like AF 3) i've got no patience. Therefore AF is coming. I just know it.

So no testing tonight as i don't want to see one lonely line...not tonight..i'm just not up for it. I know in my heart of hearts that this ivf didn't work. And my heart just hurts thinking about it...we want this so bad. Why can't it be us? Why can't we have a baby? I will never understand why god chose this path for us. What have we done wrong in our lives to have to endure such pain while others who are shooting themselves up or cheating on their husbands and don't want a baby etc etc etc...this just pains me to even think about it. Sorry..i'm just really sad tonight. I wish god would give me a sign..or i wish i had the guts to pee on a stick..i'm gutless...I can't even face the inevitable....

day 5

5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells

Sooooo today was different. I went to the bathroom around 1:30ish and when i wiped there was some pinkish brown. It scared me so much. I wiped again and there was a little bit more. Now i am in a full blown panic. I had been having AF like cramps like an hour before that. I called dh and he said he'd call the nurse for me. When he called me back he told me it's completely normal. Could be the progesterone irritating my cervix OR it could be implantation bleeding!!! I was like really???? Of course i googled it and yes it could be the right time for it. I am 5dp5dt. I went to the bathroom about an hour later and there was barely anything there. The cramps were still there though.

Came home and dh is all excited. I so hope he is not disappointed. I can't help but feel down though. I know, i should try to be positive but you see i have AF like cramps still and my back is sore. If my back wasn't sore i'd have some hope but it is. This is my classic sign that AF should be here in about a week. It just sucks that i can't be happy about the bleeding...my luck it's prob the damn progesterone suppositories.

Dh and i may test early but we haven't decided. If we do it'll be closer to end of week. I can't bare to see a negative result.

Day 4

4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining

As you can see today is another important day. My embyro's are still burying themselves into my lining. Yesterday I didn't have that much cramping but I was nauseous twice. I woke up this am in a good mood even though i woke up at 5am from a bad dream. I was fighting with DH..hate those kind of dreams. I've been having weird dreams these past 2-3 nights. I think i've got alot on my mind.

I wish i had more cramping as i know its a good sign so we'll see what today brings.

Have to do some food shopping and then nothing the rest of the day. I don't plan on doing anything. I have a long week this week!!!

Some people have asked if i'll test early...dh and i spoke about it yesterday. If we were we'd test a day before the beta or perhaps the morning off. I'm just so scared. I don't want to see one line. We deserve 2. Doubt has crept in for both of us at this point. I wish it hadn't but it's there.

God if you are listening please, please, please give us our christmas miracle..amen.

Day 3

3dpt.. Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining

Today i woke up with absolutely no patience at all. I am ok now 20 mins later but my cats & dog were annoying the shit out of me. Then i realized...this is how i get every month around this time. And my heart sank. I looked up to see what my embies are doing today & it says today is implantation day. So i calmed down. It's way too early to be negative about it not working isn't it?? I will just be so sad if this doesn't work.

I have cramping today still. I have been told that cramping is a good sign. I'm hoping the bitchiness is from the prometrium. Although i've been on it since 12/5..wouldn't it have turned me bitchy before today??

I am going to try to stay positive. I have burny cramps as i type this on one side so i'm hoping thats one of my embies starting to implant. This brings me joy!!!

Day 2

2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining

Last night i woke up at around 1:30am with bad cramping. I think it was from taking the progesterone pills too close together. They weren't horrible. I wasn't doubling over in pain at all but they were painful. Today i had cramping off and on but i am also constipated so some of it could be that too. Ugh...things we go through.

My dh is the absolute cutest in the whole world. He is going to be a great father. He has such high hopes for this cycle and i hope he is not disappointed. He took a photo of our babies with his cell phone. He told me he's been showing anyone who would look at them!! hahaha...Plus everytime i call him he picks up the phone in a panic. Are you ok?? What's the matter?? lol...he is a freak right now. I can't imagine what he's going to be like when i'm officially pregnant. It's so cute. He told the guys at work that if his phone rings he has to get it if it's me in case something is wrong. He is such a caring husband.

Dear Embies - please bury yourselves into my uterus and make it your home. We would love to be parents. You are very loved already and we want to keep you and hold onto you for 9mos. We hope that you are healthy & happy for the rest of your lives. xoxoxo love mommy & daddy.

Day 1

1dpt - blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day

Yesterday i had alot of cramping. I was exhausted so i slept alot of the day. I am off today so i'm vegging out on the couch with my little dog. He is such good company.

I've had some cramping today as well but not much so far. I'm feeling great. Just going to lay low. Wish dh was home today to make me lunch and dinner..ugh..guess i'll have to do that myself. But circulating the blood is a good thing so i'm sure it's ok.

I hope the wait until beta day isn't too long!!

ET today

So I got up at 3am got dressed, straightened my hair and looked outside. It was an f'n blizzard!!! Got dh up and said we've gotta go now!!! So we left at 4:10am in my car (honda accord) we couldn't even make it out of our road so we had to turn around and go back to get dh's jeep. I can't believe how shitty my car is in the snow...

The drive up was absolutely horrendous. It took us 4.5 hours to get up there. I missed my first acu appt which i was very upset about but we got to CNY right at 9am. I took my Valium and almost instantly i felt like my body had left the building. I hated it. Dh said it's because of my empty stomach. He said he saw a few granola bars in the lobby do you want one and i said YES!! he then comes back empty handed..it was for a food drive lol...

We got called back at like 9:50 (could have done acu arghhh) and Dr K came in with such excitement!!He told me we got a gold star as our embies (all 6) were excellent. He asked us how many we'd like to transfer and i asked him what he suggested. he said 2 or 3 based on my age and number of years trying. He told us the chance of triplets were 10-20%, twins 20-30% and with putting back 3 embies we'd have a 50% chance of becoming pregnant. It was a no brainer at that point. 3 it was... Transfer was a peice of cake..Dr K blessed my stomach lol and i layed there with tears in my eyes for like 10 mins. Dh kept looking at the photo of all 8 embryo's..he couldn't believe it. He had tears in his eyes. Good news is we also have 3 to freeze!!!! This was great news after such a horrible ride. Nurse came back in with a pic of the three we transferred. They looked beautiful. I am already in love.

Afterwards dh didn't get to do his massage because we ran too late...i got in for acu at like 10:30. I feel asleep like 4x's during it hahaha...the valium worked great.

So am i technically pregnant at this point? lol...i am going to say i am (only to me and dh of course) until i'm proven otherwise.

Home finally now at 4:15pm and now i'm going to rest up. Snuggle in little ones. Please please please be our miracle. We love you!!

Transfer tomorrow

And i am sooooo excited. I can't wait to put some back in my ute and i'm looking forward to the less than 2ww!! With a 5 day transfer you don't have to wait as long. I'm feeling really good about all of this right now. I hope when i get to CNY tomorrow my embies are still thriving. I will be devastated if they are not. I didn't get a call today so i'm hoping that's a good sign.

We have to leave here at 4:15am and of course there is going to be crap weather. I'm looking fwd to spending some time with dh though. We have some very good quality chats on our long drives. It's always fun. He will most likely be yawning the whole way but i will remind him of his massage that he will be getting at 9:30am. I'm cutting it close to the transfer so i'm hoping Dr K is running on time. I'll let them know when i get there.

I'm excited and nervous. I have cleaned, paid bills, balanced ckbook and now settling in to watch the biggest loser. DH is still working that poor thing but thankfully it'll make up for the days he took off as he no more days left for this year. He promised this summer we'll take a short vacation somewhere so i'll be looking fwd to that. This year he went to FL and to Myrtle beach without me. FL to visit his parents and Myrtle for a boring golf tournament. Nice huh! he promised me he won't leave me alone when i'm prego so the golf tournament is off for next year lol.

Ok so now i'm blabbing...bed early tonight. Please pray my embies are still doing great and i still have my 6 great ones. Good night embies..i am in love with you already...

Thanks so much everyone!~~

Embryo update!!

I decided to call CNY today to see how my embies are doing. At first i hesitated because i know they would have called me if something was wrong but then i thought, hey they are mine!!

The embryologist didn't call me back for like 3 hrs. I was dying..i'm thinking she's not calling me cuz it's bad news...ugh.

Then the call came and she sounded really upbeat which made me know right away that they were doing good. She told me that the 8 were still cleaving and that as of now i have 6 great lookin embies between 6-8 cells. One of the other 2 has some fragmentation and the other one is a 4 cell. She said she's a pretty tough grader and she thinks 6 great ones. So this made me extremely happy.

Wed can't come quick enough~~~~

2 days after ER

And i am soooooooo f'n bloated!! I look like i'm 4 mos pregnant for heavens sake. Plus i'm peeing like every 2 hours. I usually pee like 3 times a day. And i am nauseous & tired. The nausea is probably from the Doxy.

I haven't heard from the RE's office about how my embies are doing...they are usually closed on a sunday so i didn't expect a call today. I'm going to call them tomorrow to see how things are going. I am one of those people that need to know. I can't wait until Wed. Plus i'd hate to drive all the way up to syracuse for nothing. Just knowing they are still doing well will make me feel much better.

Well i'm going to go lay down..feeling so gross.

Fertility report!!

So out of the 9 eggs 8 fertilized!!!!! Yippppeeeee!!!! Plus they told me i'm doing a 5dt as well. I can't believe it. I am just in shock right now.

Thank god i'm home...can't wait for dh to get back with Toby our little love. I have missed him terribly and can't wait for him to come in running like mad down the hall and jump on me and hug and kiss me like mad.

So now we wait..

ER results

We got up to Syracuse at around 11:30pm last night. We had good intentions of stopping at a nice restaurant on the way up but everytime you had to get off I90 you had to pay a damn toll and plus there weren't any that suited us so we ended up stopping at a rest service and I had a toasted bagel w/butter and dh had Burger King. Not exactly my perfect last meal before not being able to eat until noon the next day lol..

We are staying at the Quality Inn and it is really clean and comfortable. I was extremely happy about that.

Got up at 6am. COuldn't sleep. We left around 8:15 and got the CNY at 8:30. The appt wasn't until 9am. But i just wanted to get in there. Filled out the paperwork and waited. I got called in at 9:05. The nerves started to set in. Got undressed, smocked up and iv in. Dh came into the room. The nurse came in to discuss what was going to happend. Then we got the blow....Dr Kiltz was not doing our retrieval like i was told 2x he was. He was doing transfers today. We were getting Dr Massey. Never heard of him and apparently he is new to the practice. I wanted to cry. BUT i decided to trust him and not worry about it. He came in and said he was hoping to get 1/2 a dozen eggs from me. He seemed nice and i trust Dr Kiltz enough to know that this guy knew what he was doing...

Dh didn't want to be in the room with me. So he left I got my drugs and next thing i remember i woke up really groggy but feeling ok. The Dr came in a bit later and told me they got

9 EGGS!!!!!!

Dh came in and he told him and the Dr seemed really happy about that number.

Cuteness alert - dh told me that he had to go out to the parking lot and dry heave as he was so upset seeing me like that today. He said he didn't take it well. Poor thing. He looked much better when he came in afterwards.

So tomorrow is the fert report. Tonight we are going to a hibachi restaurant as I deserve it and i feel great other than the cramps in my stomach but I do honestly feel great. Peeing is kind of sore and when my stomach gets gassy it hurts lol.

So please pray for a good fert report tomorrow. Thank you ladies for wishing me good luck. That was really sweet of you all!!!

PS and the best part of this whole thing? No PIO shots!! Yeah! I was dreading doing more needles. Doing Prometrium 3x a day. I could care less about the mess. I just wear panty liners. Better vs the needle anyday!!!

ER is scheduled for Dec 4th!!

4 is my lucky number so i'm pretty excited about this. I booked our hotel tonight so we are all set.

First, my follie scan. All was looking good except when she checked my lining..it measured at 6.12. I asked her what it was supposed to be because she moved on to measure the follies. She said a 7. So of course more concern. She counted about 6-7 good size follicles and a bunch of others that may or may not catch up. She asked me to get dressed while she went & talked to Justine. I swear it felt like i was in that room waiting for her to come back in....i waited for like 15 mins. I figured it was going to be cancelled. Justine actually came in with the nurse and advised that my lining is fine. She looked at it and it's how the nurse measured it. Plus she said it'll grow in the next few days. She is happy with how things are going even though i am an office mystery as far as my numbers go. Here are todays:

E2 2093
LH 5.75 (way down from before!)
P4 6.4

Justine says the magic words. Trigger tonight at 9:30pm on the dot!! ER on friday at 9:30am with Dr kiltz which is what i was hoping for.

Only thing is if i get a 3dt i won't be able to get my acupuncture as the spa is closed on sundays...booooooooo.. this was of course the most important part of this whole acupuncture experience. It's important to have this done before and after the ET. So if that happens i'll be kind of bummed.

We will be leaving tomorrow night right after work as it's a 3.5 hour drive. I have to leave my little darling of a dog with my IL's which is so upsetting. I hate leaving him & he hates it when we leave him. I hope he'll be ok. I am bringing my puter with me so i can post friday night with the results.


Wish me luck!!! I'm kind of scared...but i'm excited as well!!!