Turned off my music

It was driving me crazy as i was reading blogs from my fellow nesties...so it's now off.

Could be the bcp as i haven't been in the best of moods the last 2-3 days. I'm almost depressed. My moods are going up and down and I hate it. Hoping to go tomorrow & see no cyst and have the dr tell me i can go ahead and start my meds. I have a feeling my bfp is coming soon. I am convinced of that. New RE, New meds, new protocol, dh is taking fertilaid for the last 2 mos. I just can't wait to get started on iui #4. Please god give me my miracle. I think i have suffered through this long enough.

Bad day...but it turned for the better

Work has been so busy and it's only tuesday!!!!!!!!! So last week my 19 yr old co-worker came over as insensitive as ever announcing she may be pregnant. I got all mad and walked away. Thank god one of my other co-workers told her to watch what she says in front of me. She felt bad and stayed away the rest of the day. Now this was the morning of the 2nd neg pee test. So i wasn't in the mood. i was on the brink of tears all day. So friday she says she's got a dr's appt on Monday to find out what's going on as she's spotting. You see the condom broke and she started her pill on the wrong day so she counted and was sure it was her fertile day and that she was pregnant. So yesterday she went to the dr. This am she wasn't talking to me so I assumed the worst...all day I stayed away from her and she stayed away from me. The longer this went on the more stress i was feeling. I kept thinking if this girl is pregnant I just don't know what I'm going to do. She'll never shut up about it and i'll never feel comfortable talking to her about it. So i was stressed. At like 2:30 her new boyfriend came over (I really like him so he came to say goodbye) From my other co-workers I heard that her dr said either she's pregnant or it's the pill. They took blood from her and she was just waiting for the results. So i asked her if she heard. It was getting too much. She said no. I guess this gave her the door to just talk openly about it. How said boyfriend will be a good dad and that her cramps were so bad the other day she had to take something for them. From reading the bump I have never heard of anyone having really bad cramps. I asked her what she took and she said her mom's pain pills!!! I was like WHAT??? What if your pregnant..she just kind of brushed it off. So by now i was sooooo pissed. Thank god 1/2 hour later she came back screaming that she wasn't pregnant!!! Of course she wanted me to be one of the first to hear. Later I heard she was already picking out baby names....so I was right about her going overboard with it and never hearing the end of it. Arghh...Thank god for small miracles. Oh and by the way her 19 yr old brother has a 1yr old.....

So now i just want to curl up and watch American idol....hope the rest of the week is better.

On a better note I texted my husband to tell him she wasn't pregnant and she texted me back "because your the one that's going to be pregnant"...wasn't that sweet!!!!!!!!!! I love you husband!!!

Found a video to send my mom!!

I found this on a nesties post and I think it's a great video to send my mom to see if it'll help her understand our need to have a child!

http://www.tearsandhope.net/emptyarms_video.html

It's perfect & It fits everyone thats on the TTTC board. I just hope this will get through to my mom.

I am being suppressed

I knew it...i really did. I went in for my baseline today and after all the crap with my meds trying to get them on time and I have a left over cyst on my left ovary. So....they are putting me on bcp for a week. I'll go back May 1st to see if it's gone then hopefully start my meds.

And to boot I am still nausious. Off and on. If I didn't know any better i would say I was pg. But unfortunately I am not. Bleh..i hate my body sometimes. Work damn it work!!!!! so another week of waiting...sigh

AF has arrived

This sucks. She came this morning. I am so flippin crampy too. I have been since Sunday for goodness sake. Yesterday I was so pissy. I went off on 2 people at mvp & sort of on my new RE's nurse. I got a call frm Ascend pharmacy that menopur still hasn't been approved. They told me it they weren't sure if it was mvp or my dr. SO of course I called mvp. The dumass on the other side of the phone told me they didn't have anything/request for menopur. I told him to check again and tried to explain to him what ascend had told me. Well the jerk talked over the top of me and kept telling me they had nothing. Finally he agreed to check again. I lost the call so I decided to call my dr. The nurse answered and she tried to explain that they only got the pre-authorization from mvp today. But I was so frustrated that she handed the phone to the dr (per the dr's request as she heard the whole thing) She told me to not get upset with them as it's not their fault and told me that if need be they would give me meds to use and not to get myself upset. So now i'm thinking..bad start with the new RE. Not good. So i apologized and emailed the nurse to apologize to her also. She accepted my apology. But, still..i mean i don't think i was mean to her...just a little snippy. So then I called mvp back again to make sure they got the form and the girl had an instant attitude like she'd be sitting next the the douche I talked to before & heard it all. She was a total bitch. i told her i may need my meds by Friday and is there anyway to have them rushed (still being very nice to her) and she said NOPE!!! With a real tude so I said Thanks for being so F'n sensitive and as I was hanging up the phone i said BITCH!! I couldn't believe how she was treating me & couldn't beleive how I reacted so of course I started crying.

Then AF came this morn so I called to make my baseline appt at 9am....it wasn't until 1:30 before I got a call back and it was from the dr. I got my appt but I was so stressed about her not calling me back. I needed to tell work... then a call from Ascend. My meds were approved.

So it ended well.. i should have known that it would all work out in the end but I was so stressed and now i feel like my fsh is going to be through the roof again....FECK!!!

I guess i'll see tomorrow. I'm hoping its like an 8 or something..hahaha....

Soooo crampy

And no AF yet...I'm not sure what the heck is going on. They've been there for like 3 days. Last night i was nauseous and so I decided to test this am and it as negative. I used a $tree test so i'm not sure how close you have to take one to missing your period. My period isn't due until friday. It could come on thursday though. Right now as I type this I am nauseous. My period can do that to me though. The cramps are pretty uncomfortable too. And my whole back hurts. Since the day I got my AF it's been there for like 5-6 days...firt few days are really heavy. The last 2 i've had only lasted 2 days and they weren't that strong so of course i thought both times I might be prego...no such luck. Now I am going through the same crap. All the symptoms could mean pregnancy or AF. I'm so sick of this crap.

AND i called my pharmacy to see where the feck my meds are and they said they are still waiting to get the approval on the menopur...so if my period comes early like tonight I am fecked. i am hoping my RE has some meds she can donate to me.

Feck, feck, feck is all I have to say......

I feel so yuck today

Yesterday and today I feel so blah and yucky...off and on nauseous and crampy. Sometimes i get this before AF comes but she's not due until thurs or friday. Most of the time it's after i eat. I cried on my way to work this morning listening to a song that wasn't even that sad!! It was the Mad world song Adam Lambert sang on American Idol. Then The climb came on and I sing to it and feel good..instead it made me sad and i couldnt' get through it.

Plus i still have a cold. So overall I am feeling pretty crappy and pretty sure it's got nothing to do with being pregnant. sigh.... I just wish I knew how my body reacts to being prg ( i don't think i've ever been) so i'd know what symptoms to look for.

I have a seminar tomorrow & i have to concentrate as there is a test afterwards. I am working towards getting my CISR designation for work. Doesn't really matter if I fail though as I still get the credits towards my license I will just have to take it again. There are 5 classes in total and you must pass them all to get your designation. I hope my mind doesn't wander too much like it usually does...they are sooooooo boring.

Well only a couple of days to go before I know for sure...I am praying this cycle worked. Wouldn't that be sooo nice...and yet so not my luck...

Last week of 2ww

5 days until I know if my last break cycle worked. I am hoping it did but if not I still have a good feeling that the new RE will give us success. Plus the physic says by sept. So my first iui will be May, if that doesn't work then June, if that doesn't work then July...I am thinking there may be a break cycle inbetween so that could bring us to Aug...so it may be the last iui (#6) but i am hoping it's the first one of course.

I swear if Sept comes and goes and i'm not pregnant I'm marching my butt right down to New paltz and kicking that physics ass!!!!

I am not going to test ( i don't think anyway) until the day AF is supposed to come. I have a few $tree tests and i'll use them. They worked for my SIL and of course they've worked for me every month showing a BFN!!!!! Hope the next week kind of goes fast. Hate to wish my life away but...come on!!! 2wks is just way to much to have to wait darn it!!

My New Fertility song!!

Miley Cyrus - The Climb

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreamin
but there's a voice inside my head
sayin you'll never reach it
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

but I I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

[Chorus] there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
ain't about how fast I get there
ain't about whats waitin on the other side
it's the climb

The struggles I'm facin
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
but No I'm not breakin
I may not know it
But these are the moments
that I'm gonna remember most yeah
Just gotta keep going

Keep on moving,
keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
it's all about, it's all about The climb Keep the faith, keep your faith

Pretty much sums up how I am feeling these days... i little negative but a lot positive that i will someday be a mother. I just wanted to share and hope you all can pull some strength to continue on this roller coaster.

I'm so sick

Ugh..i have a really sore throat, ear ache and my back hurts where my lungs are. It came on yesterday on my way home from the RE appt. My dh was complaining of a sore throat yesterday and of course i got it. I feel yucky..I thought my pre-natals would help with not getting sick!!! Gross...I feel just gross....

Needle training!!

Needle training today was fun! Yah right. I ordered my meds (bravelle & Menopur)...AF is due on the 23rd or the 24th so the next 2 wks are going to be rough. At least I am busy for the next week or so.

My nephews party and Easter were actually ok. The bday party went well even though my mom (the one person I thought I could count on to not make a big deal out of that girl that's KU, not married etc...) made a huge deal over her as soon as she walked in and later on. It seemed like she did it when I was right there. So i stayed away from her the whole party. The girl that was prg wasn't even talking about it that much!!! Whatev.... Easter was awesome. I got to hold my new little 11wk old nephew Carter. He was sooooo cute!!!! He kept staring at me so I said he was sending me baby vibes...It was so different this time being around a baby. It wasn't uncomfortable for me or for DH. It was almost like in my head i was saying this is coming soon so I'd better start to practice handling a baby. It was just so wierd and almost natural. I am praying that I am pg this month. Oh please let next the 2 wks go by fast!!

Instead cups SUCK!!!

SO the last 2 times I tried using them and when I stood up...it all came out. I just don't know how the hell you are supposed to use them!!! PLUS I read if they are not in correctly they can close off your cervix and I am having that. SO they were a bust.... glad they were only $7. Prob the cheapest thing I have bought on this IF journey.

So now i am past the O stage and in the 2ww. I have a birthday party for my 2yr old nephew today and I am looking forward to it even though a girl that is 24, not married, not living with the guy, and just started dating him 6mos ago is pregnant and apparently doesn't shut up about it, is going to be there. AND they weren't trying to prevent it from happening. Can you believe it? I said congrats you have been given a miracle as i have been trying for 3 yrs. The first thing she says is "Have you thought about adopting??" I wanted to punch her through the computer. Fertiles just have no idea. I just hope she shuts up for my sake. Or I just may have to tell her to. I think my mom would prob help me out in that dept though. She will see it's bothering me and say something to her on the side.

Tomorrow is Easter and my SIL will be there with her 2 mos old baby. I am going to hold him as much as I can in hopes that the old wive's tale (when your around babies you get pregnant) comes true. I hope I can manage to hold it together. It's my dh that i'm worried about. He just hasn't been able to be around people that are pregnant or has babies lately. This journey is taking it's toll on him.

BUT we are both very positive that the new dr will have success with us as it's as good for her as it is for us. She needs to have success rates to get her business out there. She's been doing it for 3.5 yrs and has had a lot of success. Mostly with ivf's but we're hoping with iui's..........

Happy Easter everyone!!

Approaching the big O

Today, tomorrow or sat..not sure which day as I am not wasting anymore of my $$ on OPK's. I ovulate every month around the same time according to the last 50 opks i've done. I am getting so anxious to get pg now which isn't good. SO I am going to do my yoga dvd (Bend, Breath & Conceive) and hope my stress is lessened. I hope the next 2wks go by fast. Work is pretty busy so I'm sure it will. Monday I go back to the RE for needle training etc... wednesday I go for a PAP and next tuesday I have a CISR class for work to go to and there is a test afterwards so I hope I can stay focused enough to pass it and work towards my certification.

Hate wishing my life away but I really can't wait to see if this cycle worked so I know whether or not I have to do these damn shots again....yuck...

Instead cups

Sounds so funny but when i read that they can help with getting pg i am willing to try anything. It is usually used for menstrual cycles but holding it all up there until you pull it out (pull the plug lol) Well for IF it is used right after bd'ing to hold all the sperm up around the cervix so it doesn't have anywhere else to go but in!!! It says to climax after you put it in...uhmmm don't think that'll be happening. So next weekend is the BIG weekend and i'll be using them!!!! Let's see if the psychic is right.

PREGNANT BY SEPT!!!!

That's what the psychic told me today. He told me that it IS going to happen. I was so excited. He did tell me that i have some issues that i need to get past before it's possible. It's kind of like I have a mental block. He said he I have anger issues with the opposite sex in regards to commitment and trust issues. At first i thought he was crazy but then I thought about it and lately I have had trust issues with my dh. It's all in my head as I know he would never cheat on me but there is always this little bit of doubt. So he told me to have a talk with dh and clear up any doubts and it'll happen. AND he said i'll be happily pregnant by September. I don't always buy into this crap but this time i choose to lol. He is usually right on the ball with other people. Let's hope he is right!!! (i have also heard him giving bad news to woman who have asked so he's not just telling me cuz that's what I want to hear) he's brutally honest.

Now Sept is 4 mos away and i am doing iui #4 in the beginning of May. So we'll see...