Day 6

6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood

Today alot of people get a BFP on their pee tests...me i am sitting here frozen in fear. I can't do it. Reasons are...1) My back pain was there all day today and has just let up a bit in the past hour 2) I am still spotting but it brown but to me too much like AF 3) i've got no patience. Therefore AF is coming. I just know it.

So no testing tonight as i don't want to see one lonely line...not tonight..i'm just not up for it. I know in my heart of hearts that this ivf didn't work. And my heart just hurts thinking about it...we want this so bad. Why can't it be us? Why can't we have a baby? I will never understand why god chose this path for us. What have we done wrong in our lives to have to endure such pain while others who are shooting themselves up or cheating on their husbands and don't want a baby etc etc etc...this just pains me to even think about it. Sorry..i'm just really sad tonight. I wish god would give me a sign..or i wish i had the guts to pee on a stick..i'm gutless...I can't even face the inevitable....