No baby for 2009 for me

I can't believe this is my life. Every year I have been hoping for a miracle and it hasn't happened. I am so devastated. My ideal time of the month to have a baby is fall but now I feel like that is a ways a way and I don't want to wait that long. Having a baby in the winter is kind of scary due to the weather and all but whatever. At this point does it really matter...nothing i have planned has worked out so far.

I met with our new RE dr on friday and when we first got there we waited for almost an hour before seeing her but there was a lady in before me that was a nightmare. Her little girl was in the waiting room with the nurse and she kept going in and out trying to find her mom. So I'm assuming that's what took so long. So we then get into to see her and she looks over our records. I didn't exactly get a great feeling from her at first. But she warmed up a little half way through. She asked alot of questions and then told me what I had feared all along. My prev RE messed with my meds too much. Every month i knew something wasn't quite right with how they up'd and decreased my meds. Although she did say I had pretty good cycles. She feels like I responded well but when I was responding they decreased me down too fast so I could have ended up with 6 follies instead of only 4. I am so mad. They weren't very nice to me there anyway. The nurse was a bitch half the time and I only saw the dr when I was getting the iui done and the last one was done by the nurse that pissed me off. I'm not paying for a nurse to do it I want the damn dr.

She has decided to change my meds from Follistim to Bravelle & menopur. Not sure what trigger shot they'll give me at this point. She said she'll monitor me mon, wed, fridays and sometimes on a sat before IUI. Which is actually better in my eyes. Then she said she wanted to do some updates on my cultures and an u/s. The speculum went in ok but then she started twisting it around and it hurt like a bitch. Then I think the speculum got stuck as she couldn't get it out because she kept moving it around after taking the culture. All of sudden it popped closed. The whole time she said nothing!!! I said yikes she then said sorry. But that was it. During the ultra-sound she said nothing at all either. It was really weird. I hope all my u/s aren't like this.

Overall it was ok. We'll see how the first IUI goes. If i'm not happy with her I will switch again as these last iui's are my last shot. IVF is too expensive.

My old RE sent my meds to Westchester Fertility instead of the new one so maybe that was a sign. I can try that one or one other that I have in mind.

crampy boooooo

So i am crampy and a little moody. Things don't look too good at this point. I am so praying that this cycle worked so that we don't have to go through more treatments. I am still holding out hope even though i feel the same as I do every month. Only things that are different is I am a little thirsty and hormonal. But i also have a slight cold and a sore throat so the thirst could be coming from that. Arghh I hate the 2ww. I just hope that one of the next 2 iui's give me a bfp or it's over....so sad to think this way. Wish IVF was mandatorilly covered!!!

No hope

Argghhhhh I don't feel like this cycle worked. Other than being bitchy for the last week which is early for me as i am usually bitchy the week before my AF which is coming up this week. But I have a cold that is just lingering and one minute i feel horrible and the next i'm fine. It just hits me like a ton of bricks. The wheatgrass must be trying to keep it at bay but I think it's prolonging it...plus i just don't feel like it worked. I have been going through this crap for almost 3 yrs and I would hope the moment it happened I would know it and I feel nothing.

My dr's appt is on Friday with the new RE and I am not excited about it for 1) I don't want to do the shots again 2) I don't want to have to take the time of work 3) I don't want the false hope of thinking that if i'm getting help it's going to work 4) I've done 3 and not one of them have worked. 5) the dreaded 2ww 6) seeing one line instead of 2 7) being violated 4 x's a month 8) having everyone ask you "did it work'? ....arghhh I could keep going on and on. I will always find a reason to not want to do this but I have to try a few more times and then I can go on with my life cuz at least I know I did all i could....

SOOOO Bloated

I have been taking wheatgrass and i am soooooo bloated it's so unreal. I look like i am 4 mos pg. I can't believe this crap. But at least I can see what I'd look like pg i guess..just hate to see it as there is no baby!!!

This IF crap sucks.

New plan!!

So we are now thinking about going back to do a few more IUI's. We have picked a new dr called Westchester Reproductive. We are going for a consult on 3/27. I hate the thought of going back to doing injectables and doing another iui. I just wish I could pg on my own. That way i know it was def meant to be. I am taking wheatgrass pills and powder and dh is now on fertilaid. Anything should help at this point I guess. Found out 2 more people are pg and it's so disturbing. One girl has been with her bf for less than 6mos and they weren't trying to prevent pgncy. It just makes me so sick that some people are so not deserving of a child yet they have no problems getting pg. I wonder sometimes if god doesn't think i'll be a good mother or if we just can't afford to have a child. But financially we are better off than alot of people and they can all get pg. Just sucks... guess i'm just feeling down cuz now we have to go back to an RE. I was really hoping we'd get pg during this break. Oh well...waiting for AF to come on the 28th then waiting for the April cycle to start to go start on IUI #4. Bleh bleh bleh

March 1st and still no BFP

Aunt flo came on this morning. I knew she was coming as I had cramps for 2 days but you still always hold out hope. So....i guess it's a good thing as our money situation isn't improving at all. We are holding out hope that dh will get a new job being a security guard at a chemical plant making ALOT more money. Plus it'll be interesting to know if they have any fertility coverage. I've never really thought of doing IVF as it's a little too far to go for my liking but most if it was the cost of it and thinking i'd never have to go that far. BUT things have changed. i am going to go to a new RE this month. As soon as I get my period in the next cycle I am making the appt for the april cycle. This RE is a little over an hour away but I feel a connection with her already. First her name is Rachel like mine, her last name is Bennett like DH's cousins and she emailed me back and told me that even after 3 iui's she doesn't think I need to go right to IVF yet. Plus she'll do the u/s, b/w etc.. no nurses involved. So i feel like she might be my only hope at this point. I am ordering fertilaid for my dh in hopes it'll make his count higher and motility better and i am going to take wheatgrass to make my eggs better. I just hoped it would have worked naturally while on this break. The more time goes by the more i feel like it's not going to happen that way..we need help and if the help doesn't work we need to move past this and get on with our lives.