Worst day ever

I got up this morning all ready to go to my SIL's christening. I was kind of dreading it but I knew i just had to suck it up and go. Dh was tired because he had to work last night and didn't get home until 2:30am. So he was grumpy. 2 secs into the car we are already fighting. AF is due today or tomorrow so i'm not exactly in a good mood anyway. So we didn't speak at all the hour and 1/2 drive up there. When we did speak he gave me a tude. When we got there everyone was all smiles and i was so not. We get into the church and there were babies everywhere. Couples w/their babies. Ok i can deal....I think...

Then it was picture time. DH is the godfather of his nephew so my SIL wanted a pic of him and the godmother. I hurt deep down to see him standing there with another woman and a baby. I just lost it at that point. I wanted to run. I gathered myself and went into the church where all the families and all their babies are. I didn't even get to sit next to my dh. But i kind of chose not too. i didn't want to be any part of it. So he sat with my SIL, BIL, Godmother and baby. When it came time to get christened dh had to hold the baby most of the time. It literally killed me inside. Here is my dh holding a baby, standing next to another woman etc etc...i was crying inside. The tears started to well up and had to get myself together incase someone looked at me but it was so hard. I started to get sick to my stomach. As soon as it was done i got out of their as fast as i could. I went out to the car and sat there and cried a little. I'm glad no one asked what was wrong I would have just lost it at that point without control.

So dh gets into the car and all he says was something like that wasn't fun and I said that was so hard and started to cry out loud...really loud...i couldn't catch my breathe. i was hyper ventilating, really hot and thought i was going to throw up. It was the worst crying fit i've ever had in my entire life. Dh said we can't do this anymore. We have to learn to live with this stuff. I know he's right but today just actually tore my heart apart.

When we got to my SIL's house for the party i wanted to stay in the car...not face anyone but i got myself together again and put on a brave face. My dumb SIL asked me if I wanted something to drink and i said no i'm alright and she said what's wrong do you have a cold? your all stuffy and your eyes are puffy? I was like WHAT??? Are you f'n kidding me? She can't be that stupid. Anyone could have seen that i was clearly uncomfortable during this whole thing. She went through a very short fertility journey but never the same she said she really hurt during all of her cousins get togethers, baby showers etc...i thought she would have just known. It just goes to show she could care less now. It's very obvious that she doesn't even think about us going through this crap anymore. And why should she care??

My FIL was sooo nice. he said i know it's hard for you to be here but thanks so much for coming. It was very sweet.

i am home now and i am totally drained and depressed again. Dh keeps saying we have to be thankful for the things we do have & that it could always be worse but i told him not matter what else is going on in this world it doesn't make our situation any easier. DH was really upset today too but he faked it pretty good for his family.

Whatever....i never want to go to another one of those again unless it's for us.....if you are still reading, thanks....