Feel like something is missing...

I am so bored not having IF to think/worry about. Sounds rediculous but I miss having to take my shots, get u/s etc... I keep saying to myself to relax and enjoy this time off but it's hard. I have stayed away from the bump which i think is a good thing. It's hard to follow nesties and then see them move over to the SAIF board and you are still stuck on the TTTC board. I am happy for these nesties but it makes me really sad and anxious. It puts more stress on me to get pg so I'm glad i'm not following the boards anymore.

On a better note we are picking paint colors for our house. I can't wait to paint the livingroom. I want to start putting pics up on the walls and making our house more of a home. We have been in our house for a yr and a half but we've had so many other things to do and $$ has been tight. Now it's even tighter but at least i don't have to worry about $$ for IF treatments for awhile.

So happy...yet so sad

My SIL had her 2nd baby today. We traveled to Albany and i was truly excited about it. When we got there the baby hadn't come yet and dh was hungry so we went to get something to eat. While we were gone the baby came. When we walked into the room and we saw him he was so cute. Then I stood back for others to see. Then i suddenly got all panicky...omg they'll want me to hold the baby.. i don't think i can. i don't think i want to. holy shit. what am I going to do? I got really hot and i felt like I was going to throw up. dh held him and it just got worse. my mil is talking to dh's sister that couldn't be there and she's saying it's ok..you'll be here for Bryans & Rachels..i'm like WHAT?? She's not coming home for like 2 years!! So she doesn't think it's going to happen either. So now i'm getting pissed. the nurse wanted the baby THANK GOD and dh said it's time to go. his sister was like Rachel hasn't held him yet? Now i'm really going to throw up. My face gets really red and i say i'll see him again. I pretty much ran out of the room. My MIL came with us to walk us out which just made me even more mad. She kept saying things like it's such a miracle..it's such an adrenaline rush.. finally dh said ok mom...we don't know how it feels so...then she stopped. On the way home i got into a fight with dh for no reason. then the sadness came.. I said i was sorry and that i just didn't know how to feel. I'm happy, sick, angry and now sad. So i'm balling and dh finally tells me how he feels about it..he's just as sad and I didn't even know it. he really does understand how I feel. Then he started getting angry and said he doesn't want to talk about it anymore, he's giving up and that he's going to do the landscaping this summer and then we should sell our house and buy something smaller as we won't need the room. I was so shocked i didn't know what to say...

so a happy day for others was a very hard, exhausting, sad day for us. I just wish it would happen so we can move on from this. OR if it's def not going to happen then we need to deal with it and move on.

This break is great!!

I am enjoying this time away from all of the stress of IF but seeing a pg woman still bothers me. Yesterday I ran in to a friend that i hadn't spoken to in years. Then about 9 or 10 mos ago we got together to see each other and catch up. Yesterday I ran into her again really quickly and she said we have to get together as she'll be off for 11 weeks. i was like why? Are you ok? She pulled open her coat and there it was....the big belly. I was so shocked i didn't know what to say. She said i didn't want to tell you over myspace that i was pg. I was like I haven't seen you in 9mos?? she said no. She figured she would speak to me at some point and she would tell me. I know i told her we were having trouble trying when I saw her 9mos ago but it was a wierd conversation and she acted like she wasn't interested so im wondering if she knew she was pg then because I don't think it was that long ago since i saw her. It would make sense. Well enough about that. I just wish things like this didn't bother me so much. NOW i have to go see her when the baby comes. Hopefully by then it won't bother me so much...

On the other hand I am getting alot more done around the house and going out more. I am planning on painting my walls and getting new pics for the walls. I want to make my house the way I want it. So instead of spending $300 a mos on IF treatments I am spending it my house. I can buy alot of things for $300!!!! I'll post some pics when we are done.

Much needed break...

Well as I'm sure you guessed the beta was negative. The RE wants a consult to discuss our next step. I tell my nurse there is no next step. I'm done...at least for now. I need a few months off. Then we will go back but to a new dr.

We are planning on taking a break to reconnect with each other. Our 3 years of marriage has been all about other things other than our marriage. The first year was great. Not trying for kids but not stopping it from happening. 2nd year we spent most of that at dh's parents while waiting to find a house. It was torture to say the least. AND dh's youngest brother got his girlfriend prg for the 2nd time while we were all living there. I couldn't get preg it had to be her right? SO the stress was unbearable at times. We basically don't count that year. 3rd year was all about fertility treatments. So it's taken a toll. It's boring and relations have been mechanical. So we are forgetting all about babymaking for now and we are concentrating on ourselves. I am so excited. We are going to travel. Take long weekends away, work on the house etc... all the things we have neglected to do due to this IF crap. So i will blog here and there just to get my feelings down. But I am taking a break from the bump as it's just a constant reminder.

So so long for now....

IUI #3 is a bust

I am spotting now. I'm so disgusted with IF treatments right now. I mean WTF!!!! Why can't this just work? I def need a mental break and to figure out what we are going to do. I'm going to tell my RE tomorrow that i want a break. So flippin depressing. My body can't even make a pregnancy on a perfect F'in cycle. I want to spit...

13dpiui

Tomorrow is the big day. I have decided not to test again. I have AF cramps, back pain and I am completely bitchy. All the signs that the flow is going to start soon. FFFFFFFF!!! I'm sure AF is going to start either tonight or tomorrow and I'll be upset. BUT i am taking the break as I need a mental vacation and i feel good about it. Of course I will be temping and doing OPK's to be sure that we do it at the right time But at least that's only for a few days. Ok I'm rambling so I'll post tomorrow.

Good luck to me!!

12dpiui and NEGATIVE

I'm kind of surprised as I haven't been feeling real good lately but It may still be too early. Everytime i wake up i am real queazy. But then again there is a belly bug going around. I am taking a break for one month then i'll go back for iui#4...most likely my last one. I think i'll try a new RE though. Not sure yet about that...I am pretty loyal so I'd feel bad changing. I have thought all along that i'll get prg when we aren't thinking so much about it and on our own. Not with fertility treatments...but sometimes i feel like that is a long shot...

DAMN DAMN DAMN!!! Why did I bother POAS!!!