So happy...yet so sad

My SIL had her 2nd baby today. We traveled to Albany and i was truly excited about it. When we got there the baby hadn't come yet and dh was hungry so we went to get something to eat. While we were gone the baby came. When we walked into the room and we saw him he was so cute. Then I stood back for others to see. Then i suddenly got all panicky...omg they'll want me to hold the baby.. i don't think i can. i don't think i want to. holy shit. what am I going to do? I got really hot and i felt like I was going to throw up. dh held him and it just got worse. my mil is talking to dh's sister that couldn't be there and she's saying it's ok..you'll be here for Bryans & Rachels..i'm like WHAT?? She's not coming home for like 2 years!! So she doesn't think it's going to happen either. So now i'm getting pissed. the nurse wanted the baby THANK GOD and dh said it's time to go. his sister was like Rachel hasn't held him yet? Now i'm really going to throw up. My face gets really red and i say i'll see him again. I pretty much ran out of the room. My MIL came with us to walk us out which just made me even more mad. She kept saying things like it's such a miracle..it's such an adrenaline rush.. finally dh said ok mom...we don't know how it feels so...then she stopped. On the way home i got into a fight with dh for no reason. then the sadness came.. I said i was sorry and that i just didn't know how to feel. I'm happy, sick, angry and now sad. So i'm balling and dh finally tells me how he feels about it..he's just as sad and I didn't even know it. he really does understand how I feel. Then he started getting angry and said he doesn't want to talk about it anymore, he's giving up and that he's going to do the landscaping this summer and then we should sell our house and buy something smaller as we won't need the room. I was so shocked i didn't know what to say...

so a happy day for others was a very hard, exhausting, sad day for us. I just wish it would happen so we can move on from this. OR if it's def not going to happen then we need to deal with it and move on.